Why Friends Cannot Be Our Coaches: Artists and 'Emotional Labor'

As independent artists and musicians, our lives are filled with a very unique combination of creativity, passion, and uncertainty.

We often tend to naturally lean on our friends for support in navigating this unpredictable cocktail our careers come with.

And that's a good thing.

Friends are invaluable for companionship and encouragement. They're often our biggest 'fans'.

More importantly, they have our back when we need their support.

However, expecting them to act as our coaches or therapists can be problematic.

And why did I just say that?

Because it's something a lot of us do more often than we are comfortable than admitting.

Unwittingly put them into a poor man's version of this position (the 'coach'/'therapist').

This can lead to disastrous consequences that result not only in poor decisions but also destroy relationships with people we care for deeply.

In this blog post, I'm going to try and explore the concept of 'emotional labor'.

And why relying on friends for professional-level advice and emotional support can backfire badly, potentially damaging our friendships and hindering our artistic growth.

What is Emotional Labour?

Emotional labour refers to the process of managing and regulating emotions.

This concept, introduced by sociologist Arlie Hochschild, highlights the effort required to maintain a certain demeanor, offer support, and manage the emotional dynamics of interpersonal interactions.

Emotional labor is essential and an inherent skill involved in professions like therapy and coaching. But we often expect our friends to perform this labour without realising it, which is unfair and unrealistic on both parties in the long run.

The Risks of Poor Advice

Friends, no matter how well-intentioned, lack the expertise and objectivity necessary to provide sound advice.

As artists and musicians, we face unique challenges that require specialized knowledge and experience to navigate effectively.

This simply does not get talked about enough.

And the sources to seek help with this are still not very easy to find. Which is probably why friends end up becoming our default destination.

Here are a few thoughts on how that can go south:

1. Lack of Professional Expertise

Friends may not have the industry-specific knowledge or experience to guide us through complex decisions. Their advice, though heartfelt, may not be grounded in the realities of the music or art world.

2. Bias and Subjectivity

Friends are emotionally invested in our well-being and may offer advice that aligns more with what they think we want to hear rather than what we need to hear. They're also often our 'fans'.

This bias can cloud their judgment and our own.

3. Conflicting Interests

Friends may have their own opinions and preferences that influence their advice. The degree of disinterest and experience needed to help us out is simply not possible for them to offer. This can lead to conflicts of interest, where the guidance they try to provide often ends up serving their perspective, and not our professional needs.

The Emotional Toll on Friendships

An equally relevant risk when friends unwittingly take on the roles of a coach or therapist is the strain it can take on the relationship itself.

Here’s how this dynamic can impact friendships.

1. Emotional Exhaustion:

Constantly relying on friends for emotional support can lead to them 'burning out' without us even realizing it. They may start to feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of managing someone else's emotional needs, without necessarily signing up for it. Leading to fatigue and resentment.

2. Imbalance in the Relationship:

Healthy friendships are built on mutual support and reciprocity. When one friend consistently acts as the emotional caretaker, it creates an imbalance that can erode the foundation of the relationship. Co-dependency is right around the corner.

3. Blurred Boundaries:

Mixing professional-level support with personal relationships can blur boundaries, making it difficult to separate personal interactions from emotional labor. This can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

The Risk of Competitiveness and Codependency

Though usually not acknowledged openly, competitiveness among peers is a common reality in the artistic and musical world.

While I personally abhor this dynamic, nobody is immune to it. So this competitiveness can further complicate things.

Here's how:

1. Unconscious Rivalry:

Friends who are also peers in the same field may harbor feelings of rivalry, even if unintentional. This can skew their advice and support, leading to less than optimal outcomes for your career.

2. Echo Chambers:

Relying too heavily on a close-knit group of friends for advice can create an echo chamber, where only similar ideas and perspectives are shared and reinforced. This limits exposure to diverse opinions and hinders creative growth.

3. Codependency:

Over-reliance on friends for emotional and professional support can lead to codependent relationships. In such dynamics, both parties may struggle to maintain their independence and professional boundaries, ultimately stunting personal and artistic development.

What If One of Our Friends Is a Qualified Coach?

It's not uncommon to have friends who are qualified coaches or therapists.

While this might seem like an ideal solution on the surface, it comes with its own set of pros and cons.

Pros:

1. Expertise and Trust: You could have access to professional guidance from someone who knows you well and whom you trust implicitly.

2. Comfort and Understanding: Your friend might already know about and understand your background, personality, and career goals, which can make the coaching process smoother and more personalized.

Cons:

1. Boundary Issues:

Maintaining a clear distinction between professional and personal relationships can be challenging. Blurred boundaries can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings.

2. Professional Detachment:

A friend may struggle to remain objective and provide tough feedback when necessary, potentially compromising the quality of their professional advice.

3. Strain on Friendship:

Mixing personal and professional roles can strain the friendship if issues arise in the coaching relationship.

Protecting Friendships and Professional Growth

To safeguard our friendships and ensure professional growth, it’s essential to differentiate between the support we seek from friends and the expertise we require from professionals.

Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Seeking Professional Help:

Consider engaging with coaches, therapists, or mentors who have the training and experience to provide the guidance and support you need. They are geared to offer you objective insights and practical advice tailored to your career. It's their job!

2. Set Clear Boundaries:

Communicate openly with friends about the type of support you need and establish boundaries that protect both your friendship and their emotional well-being. This ensures that your interactions remain positive and fulfilling.

3. Diversify Your Support System:

Build a network of support that includes friends, family, and professionals. This allows you to draw on a variety of perspectives and expertise without overburdening any single person.

4. Practice Self-Care:

Take responsibility for your emotional health by developing self-care practices that help you manage stress and maintain balance. This reduces the pressure on friends to act as your primary emotional support.

Conclusion:

As independent artists and musicians, our journeys are filled with the kind of highs and lows that require both emotional and professional support.

While friends play a vital role in our lives, imposing the role of coaches or therapists onto them is a mistake easily committed and can lead to poor advice that strain our relationships.

By seeking professional help and establishing clear boundaries instead, we not only protect our friendships but foster an environment that supports our artistic and personal growth.

Remember, a strong support system is diverse, balanced, and respectful of the unique contributions each person brings to our lives. It is in the interest of us all to be mindful of the roles we assign to the people in our life and the expectations we have from the same.

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